Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Randomize
