I'm gonna have a badass scar
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
