why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
