I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
