I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
