I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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