Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Green mimosas i think yes
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
