I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I think I just sharted jello shots
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
