I'm pants shitting drunk right now
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
this hospital has no fireball
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
