If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
