i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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