she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
i now understand why vodka
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
