On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
