I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Randomize
