You smell like a Billy Joel song
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
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