Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Too much gin, very little bucket
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
