I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Bring me that man meat
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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