Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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