So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
