Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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