She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
