remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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