We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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