I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
