You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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