I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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