Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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