My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
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