So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
