Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
babies were throwing up all over the place
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
