I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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