dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
you had me at cake vodka
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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