Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
