I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
