Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
