his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
You've changed since you got that strap on
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
