I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
When are your genitals available?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
