god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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