people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
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