She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
