I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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