it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
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