So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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