her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
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