also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
