my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
