So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I can feel your judgement through the phone
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
