just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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