I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
