You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
