It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
wrigley field is MILF paradise
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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