He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
