I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
