I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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